Burnout is teh suXor

I know I’m behind on answering comments and emails. I know I haven’t done the Shared Topic writeup this week. No one’s complained yet, but it’s frustrating me. I want to do get stuff done. I’m supposed to be an efficient person, dammit. I want to get stuff done but the moment I try, I get this overwhelming nausea. I managed to get back on schedule with school stuff. It took all my self discipline but I managed. Anything “optional” just completely destroys me.

I hate using my blog to whine, it’s the exact thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do, but the last two weeks or so, I’ve felt nothing but frustration and guilt when I try to blog. I guess it has to come out somehow.

I keep seeing holy pally misinformation floating by on Twitter and I’m all “OMG YAY BLOG TOPIC!” and go to write. Then I throw up and then I start crying out of frustration.

Things, be they in real life, on the internetz, in game, that wouldn’t usually bother me upset me like crazy. And now I’m wondering if this is the real me and my happy, goofy self was all an act. Maybe I’m actually a psycho woman and my personality is just coming out.

God I hate burnout.

Know what else I hate? Not being able to eat much. I miss food so badly. I have this gorgeous Easter basket I won. It’s full of chocolate. Chocolate that I usually love but that makes me throw up these days. Every now and again I get this little hint of hunger. I excitedly run to the kitchen and manage to get two spoonfuls of oatmeal or yogurt or applesauce in before the nausea comes rushing back.

Oh and this new fainting thing is pretty detestable as well. My cat is great about it though. When he saw me sprawled out in the kitchen at 5 am this morning, he was all “FLOOR PARTY!!!” and chilled with me on ground until I could drag myself back to bed.

This. semester. cannot. end. soon. enough.

But it’s not all bad these days. I’m getting ready to move out West for my summer clinical rotation, which should be pretty nice. I’m getting second thoughts now: Am I going to find an affordable place to live? Is my internship going to work out? Will I run out of money? Yet for the most part, I’m excited. It’s been awhile since I’ve taken off with my backpack on a semi-spontaneous adventure and the wanderlust itch is killing me.

Here are some pictures of the town I’m moving to:

Doesn’t it look amazing?

Anyway, I expect to get my sanity back within the next two weeks. Hopefully I’ll still have a few readers that haven’t been scared away by my whining. Between now and then, if you’ve sent an email or left a comment I haven’t answered, I’m not ignoring them. I really appreciate you all, but I’m not quite myself these days. Or maybe I’m too much myself. Or whatever.

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34 Comments on “Burnout is teh suXor”

  1. Rades Says:

    Sorry to hear you haven’t been feeling well / been stressed with school, etc! I do have to say though that the bit about your cat happily enjoying floor time with you was funny. ;)

    • Ophelie Says:

      Hehe, yeah, he’s a pretty cool cat that way. He’s actually my roomates’, so it took awhile before we bonded, but we’re best kind these days. He has this habit of hogging my blankets though. Darn cat.

  2. Analogue Says:

    Take care of yourself – you’re giving me pregnancy flashbacks there :( Love the pictures, now I miss being in Colorado.

    • Ophelie Says:

      Oh god pregnancy.

      Sooooo glad right now that they only way I’d be pregnant would be though divine intervention.

      The more I think about it, the more I’m positive I want to adopt over having my own kids.

      • Analogue Says:

        It’s totally worth it but the symptoms suck. Hopefully your ailments clear up in well less than nine months though! But (and you probably have more than enough advice) you might look up various nausea remedies from pregnancy sites; I’ve found some of the techniques I learned while pregnant have been usable for stomach flu and motion sickness too.

  3. Khraden Says:

    Wow, I didn’t really realize that you weren’t feeling so well. I hope that you are able to push past this, as I’m sure you will. I just began reading your blog, mostly since I’ve tried to get my foot in the blogosphere door, but I love the content.

    Just to give you a grin…

  4. KimboSlice Says:

    Ugg I really dislike BC

    • Ophelie Says:

      BC dislikes you.

      I haven’t spend enough time there to know what to expect, but mountains and good kayaking and good restaurants have got my hopes up.

      • Kimboslice Says:

        You forgot the Rain. It rains all the time and as for good restaurants hope you got cash Hongcouver is expensive

        • Ophelie Says:

          You gotta remember I’m coming from Newfoundland! A widdle bit of Wain and high cost of living don’t scare me. I’m also a good 5 hours out of Vancouver, so I don’t expect to be eating there often (although one of my classmates is doing her rotation in the city and I promised her I’d visit and we’d go on gastronomy tour). The website for the town I’m staying in described the summers as “warm and dry” so it can’t be that bad! Oh, and I heard the rain in BC falls straight and not sideways! I haven’t seen non-sideways rain in years, I’m sure I’ll be very impressed.

  5. Antigen Says:

    Too much stress, Oph. You need to make time and relax!

    I’ve been thinking about burnout as well, and what I’ve come to realize that a big part of it is due to a sense of obligation. Obligated to raid, do dailies, post on your blog…

    Take some me time. Well, you time. Come back to us when you’re good and ready :)

    • Ophelie Says:

      A lot of people seem to be burned out on the obligation to raid and game, but WoW’s probably the only thing I’m not burned out on. All I want to do all day is play. But I can’t because of papers/finals/guilt/other. QQ

      I hate being a student so so so much.

  6. LabRat Says:

    Go to a doc with their head screwed on straight and see what your options are. You sound like me during certain periods of school and during a life-draining legal battle. Feeling sick all the time, not being able to eat huge classes of food and drink, may be stress-generated illness but that doesn’t mean it isn’t illness; we’re conditioned to think that psychosomatic stuff isn’t worth addressing because it’s “all in our head”, but too many glucocorticoids for too long still do damage, and not just to our heads. A prescription for industrial-strength acid preventers/reducers and only-in-worst-case anti-anxiety meds- which I never used all of the single Rx fill of- did marvelous things for my quality of life. Breaking the ratchet of “stress causes me to feel horrible which makes the stress more stressful which makes me feel even worse” was a great relief.

    All that said, I still had to be dragged kicking and screaming to said doctor because it was all “just stress”, so.

    That said, enjoy your time out here in high mountain, blue skies country. No force short of natural disaster could pry me out of here.

    • Ophelie Says:

      I just keep telling myself that it’ll be short lived and that I just have to put up with it all. I do find it really hard to go to the doctors because typically I spend all day in a waiting room just be to told to suck it up.

      That said, while it’s not the worst burnout I’ve ever had (ah the joys of being a student), this is probably the worst in terms of nausea and antacids making a difference sounds really appealing.

  7. Cantique Says:

    *comfort* /hug

    Aw Hun, you just need to remember that some of what you call obligation isn’t really. It’s stuff you like to do, remember? And it is okay to slow down a little. Don’t be embarassed to go to the doctor and tell them about your stress. Fainting is not a good thing.

    • Ophelie Says:

      Thanks.

      I just keep telling myself that it’ll be all over soon. It’s kinda silly about the blog stuff. I know no one really cares if I take a few days to answer, but I feel guilty anyway.

      I need to delete my internet or something.

  8. Gazimoff Says:

    I second the whole “getting yourself checked out by a doctor” thing.

    About two years ago I started havign dizzy spells, blurred vision and so on. It got worse, with tinnitus and vertigo type symptoms as well. Eventually I collapsed at work, in front of the CTO of the multinational I work for, and puked in the trash can under my desk.

    After an ambulance ride to hospital, suspected diabetes and a number of tests I’m diagnosed with Meniere’s Disease. It’s a lifetime of taking medication and no more driving, but I survive. I also take life a lot easier now, rather than trying to push myself to doing as much as possible.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t over-extend yourself. Focus on the things that make you happy, the things you enjoy doing and the things you *need* to do. Anything else is just an optional extra.

    • Ophelie Says:

      I’m really sorry to hear about that :( One of the girls I grew up with, her mom has Meniere’s Disease and it was difficult to watch.

      I’m actually no stranger to the chronic disease world. I’ve had multiple sclerosis since I was a kid (which I suspect is a large reason why I have less stamina than most people my age), but I find I push myself more because of it. Stopping when my body says stop would mean a lifetime of staring at the ceiling. I do try to pace myself, especially towards the ends of semesters, but it frustrates the crap out of me. I WANNA DO EVERYTHING DAMMIT.

  9. Kaomie Says:

    Definitely pregnant and psycho.

  10. Angelya Says:

    Hope you’re feeling better soon hun.. you’re perfectly allowed to take a break from “optional stuff” if the thought of it is too much..
    /hug

    • Ophelie Says:

      Thank you! /hug

      I felt really bad for not participating in the egg hunt. It’s so frustrating when I don’t want to do things I normally love doing. You’ll plan something similar to that next year, right? ;)

  11. puggingpally Says:

    Take care of yourself, Ophelie! I hope it gets better soon for you. We’ll still be around when you’re able to come back, don’t let blog-guilt add to your stress! *hugs*

    • Ophelie Says:

      Thanks :)

      I get this wierd fear that if I don’t post something every two days that I’ll suddenly have to start all over. Ah well, today’s the last day of classes (yay!) so hopefully the change of pace will lessen the stress some.

  12. Shubb-Niggurath Says:

    Sorry to hear that too. You gotta take care of yourself and relax – here in south of France, weather is wonderful, you might want to take a sunbath :p -. Going to a doctor could help you dealing with your stress. Knowing what’s going on might relieve you a bit.

    And about stuff you have to do, face things one by one and focus on the really important things for you :) that the only good thing I learnt from facing stress like yours.

    Anyway, take care of yourself :)

    • Ophelie Says:

      Southern France! Oh my! I’m so jealous! Can I visit?

      • Shubb-Niggurath Says:

        heh, of course :p
        just tell me when your plane lands, I really need to tidy my appartment, I belong to the “messed-up geek” category.


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