How to Crush a Paladin’s Epeen…

It’s story time! There can never be too many PuG tales. Every time we think we’ve seen and heard it all, something unthinkable happens and the world must be informed.

I had my epeen sliced and diced and put in the blender yesterday. And I liked it. It was a Pit of Saron random group. (Why do I feel like saying that implies it’ll be a great story?) We had a warrior, we had a shadow priest, we had a rogue and we had a hunter. I assumed the warrior was tanking, but I checked everyone’s health to make sure. Ok, yes, he has the most. Not by much, but it should be enough. Thats the furthest I go. I don’t do gearscore and I don’t manually inspect. In a PuG, I figure I’m stuck with these people for better or for worse. Judging them as we zone in does more harm than good.

We buff, we pull. The rogue insta-dies. The trash goes down ok, not too much damage, looks like it’ll be a decent run.

We clear to the first boss. We pull him. The rogue insta-dies. Seems like we’re taking more damage than usual, but it’s ok, I like some exercise. Oooops, the Spriest has aggro! Quick! Hand of Protection! Ouf! I better salv her, just in case. How’s the hunter doing for aggro? Seems to be ok. Where’s his pet? Oh. At his feet. Well, at least auto-shot seems to working. It was a rough go, it lasted awhile, but we got him down. I still have most of my mana. Not bad, not bad.

Clear some more trash, then time for Krick and Ick! We pull. The rogue insta-dies. The hunter auto-shoots, his pet at his feet. It was a long fight, but it’s ok, I’m always complaining that fights are too short anyway.

Now for the tricky trash part! We pull. The rogue insta-dies. Mobs are flying everywhere! No danger of the hunter or the pet as his feet pulling aggro, but the poor shadow priest carrying us… Hand of Protection! Hand of Salv! Oh dear, oh dear. OMG somehow the hunter is almost dead! Eeeek! Good thing I timed that big heal well! Crap! I’m being attacked all over. Um. Um. Holy Wrath! Bubble Sac! Oh no! Oh no! The priest! Aaaaah the tank! Curse beacon falling off! Aaaaaah!!!! Holy Lights were spammed all over the place, I was on the edge of my seat. I must keep my team alive! I must, I must! Healing Anub’arak 10 on hard mode is cake compared to this!

Slowly the damage lessened. Despite clever use of Divine Plea and Divine Illumination, I was almost completely drained of mana. I was sweaty and shaking. And, oh!, how I was feeling smug. “God, I’m awesome.” I thought to myself. “I can’t believe I just healed through that. I love me.” Surely, they will compliment me on this incredible feat of strength!

Fat chance! I used the rest of my juice to rez the rogue and I sat down to drink. “Mana!” I called out.

Mana shmana,” thought the tank, who ran ahead to pull the next group.

There was no point in even getting up. There’s no way I would have time to reach him. Besides, it’s not like I had any mana to use on him anyway. I exhaled, closed my eyes and let death take me.

“Attack the bone guy next time” ordered the tank.

I rolled my eyes. “Wait for the healer next time.”

I expected an apology, but, yeah, I have really unreasonable expectations. And I think healer text is only visible to other healers anyway. The tank completely ignored me.

“That guy hits like a truck”

I tried again: “He does. So why did you pull without me?”

Yeah, invisible healer text. It’s ok, I know I’m amazing and wonderful. I mentally stroke my epeen for a bit as I’m drinking.

When I’m done, we get into position. We pull. The rogue insta-dies. The tank gets two-shotted. Legit wipe. I admit defeat and ask for a shackle this time. Luckily the shadow priest must be a part time healer because she completely got the message and made excellent use of her shackle. The rogue insta-died a few more times with following pulls, but we reached the cave.

The cave was…like…nothing I had ever experienced before. We ran in. The rogue insta-died. The ground was littered in blue runes. The poor hunter with his pet at his feet. He must have been tossed around by every single piece of falling snow. But unless they get one-shotted, I don’t abandon my teammates. I kept him alive each time! As I’m running and dodging, casting any heals I could get out, I see the poor shadow priest almost dying. Nooooo! Hand of Protection! Uh oh, the mobs are coming for me now! Um. Um. Um. Holy wrath! Bubble sac! I vaguely wonder why the tank isn’t tanking any damage… I shrug and place my beacon on the shadow priest instead.

For what seemed like an eternity, I did everything right. I used Lay on Hands at the right moment. I kept Hand of Protection and Hand of Salv on cooldown. Whenever my greater heals were interrupted by the dozens of zombies eating me, I cast Holy Wrath and ran to the tank. I used every trick in the book to avoid running out of mana. Going by how many times I cast Hand of Protection, the fight lasted at the very least 6 minutes. 6 minutes of intensity. 6 minutes of deep focus. 6 minutes of spamming Holy Light between running. 6 minutes of having my face eaten by ghouls. I kept all 4 of us alive, using every trick in the book.

By the time we reached the end of the cave and the shadow priest had cleared the trash, my epeen had become the longest epeen in epeen history. Surely, they will thank me now! They will congratulate me! They will wonder how I managed this awesomeness! They will write songs in my honour!

The tank turned to me and spoke in party chat. Excited to receive approval, I turned to read it. What followed was the most extreme epeen crushing I had ever experienced, yet, at the same time, it completely made my day.

Tank: u need mor spirt
Me (not sure if I read it right): Spirit?
Tank: ya
Me: Um…
Tank: so wut if i forgt n i
Me: Paladins don’t use spirit.
Tank: u need wuteve u use 4 mana regen u run out of mana so fast

Well, I did have my ego obliterated, but it was worth it. So worth it. I can’t believe I forgot to take a screenshot.

I’ve never been so proud to claim that I’m a fail paladin. Damn my lack of spirt!

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23 Comments on “How to Crush a Paladin’s Epeen…”

  1. Wiztan Says:

    This was one of the funniest texts I’ve read this year! I can really feel how you felt after saving the group from wipe time after time (did a ToC5 pug run with the similar amount of work as you did, but with a nice group that was just under geared and thanked me at least a little after). Anyway, the totally thankless work of a healer in a group of total noobs can make you crazily angry or just make your day ;-).

    Keep up the good work and merry christmas!

    • Ophelie Says:

      Thank you and Merry Christmas to you too!

      To be fair, the Shadow Priest was excellent, it really wasn’t her fault she kept getting aggro. And I’d pick a healer’s job over tanks any day (which is why I very rarely tank in 5 mans). This particular tank was just a little…interesting…but it makes for great stories afterwards!

      I’ve had both kinds of groups: those who thank me profusely and those who tell me to stack spirt. Ironically, the really grateful groups tend to be the ones that make my job super easy, to the point where I have no idea what it is they’re thanking me for.

  2. Matticus Says:

    I’ll make sure we masterloot you some spirit gear from ICC next week.

  3. Windsoar Says:

    Ophelie, I laughed so hard I cried. Thankfully, it’s not very often that you get this group, but jeez, it’s really a shock when you do!

    Thanks for the great report on why “paladins need spirit” — I was wondering who was ballsy enough to tell you that — and now I know!

    • Ophelie Says:

      Oh the best thing is that he’s from my server and I run into him in raid pugs all the time!

      I told him he should just take less damage. (Which isn’t really true – his lack of threat was the problem, but I figured any kind of technical talk would be too much for him to handle.)

  4. Gloryee Says:

    This post is so full of win!! I read it, I giggled, I read it again, I giggled some more, then I read it to my husband (who’s a healer), who was also very amused. I’m new to this blog, but I’m definitely coming back, you completely made my day!

  5. Pheadra Says:

    This made my life. I love this post, it was funny, well written, and perfectly explained the life of an underappreciated and misunderstood healer.

    I actually met a paladin who gemmed for spirit. His main was a mage, and spirit was all the rage on his mage so, naturally, he thought it was the same for paladins. Nice chap, and after I explained about why spirit was terrible for Paladins I refered him to your site for some healing tips!

    • Ophelie Says:

      Haha, you flatter me.

      That reminds me of when I first started to raid two years ago. I had no idea what I was doing, so my class leader gave me some guidance. Trying to get an idea of what I knew, she asked me what stats I was looking for, other than spellpower. Sure enough, I answered: “Well, I like spirit

      She must have secretly laughed until she cried. She was super nice about it, but it’s still really embarassing to think about.

  6. Rhidach Says:

    I laughed way more than I should have every time I read another “The rogue insta-dies.”

    • Ophelie Says:


      I didn’t even have to exaggerate for storytelling sake…Maybe I should have told him about tricks of the trade, spare him a repair bill. I just hate giving advice to classes I know nothing about.

      Actually, after the tank commented on my mana and I told him to take less damage, it was the rogue who answered “I’m trying!”

  7. Erknost Says:


    My dear sister in the Light. I totally hear you, and share your pain and shame about this amazing and enlighten experience.

    As my credentials I can say I’m the Main Holy Paladin in a 25 Man End-Game Guild, the other day I successfully solo heal trough the whole Icehowl in TotGC 10 Man with just two casualties and both tank alive, after the other 2 healers die when one of the tanks loss aggro from Acidmaw for just a second and the worm faced the three of us, I just survive because I can bubble.

    The other day I was doing my Random Heroic, and the loading screen of PoS show up. I really like the instances and I think we all have to start a PUG with good attitude. I know I’m a good healer, and I’m well geared, so I can heal in some of the worst scenarios. Saying this I wanna comment also that I read a post somewhere I think it was from GryphonHearth or about not use GearScore and don’t prejudge someone just for there gear.

    So I try it and welcome all to my group, I was not the group leader, but I like to be kind, we (the Paladins) are Holy Warrior of the Almighty Light, so it kind a nice to say hello to all. But what do I face? Silence. “Well…” -I think- “Maybe they are just busy and wanna end with this and that it.” So I buffed all. Its here when I hear for first time they sweet lil voices, I have to change several times they Blessing because It look like I really don’t know whats the best Blessing for each class was.

    There was a Warrior as tank, a DK, a Mookin and a Warlock. We started, I pull aggro, I die, we wipe. Ok, ok, it was me, don’t know why I have not even Judge the mob and all come to kill me, but shit happen. I release, fly back an rez all… my lazy dead bodies in the beginning of the instances.

    We try again, we reach Forgemaster Garfrost. I ask if everybody know the fight. Silences. I assume we all know it. Tank pull. In the end, we one shot it but with my 31k heroic mana pool I when OOM and I have to use a Mana Potion and DP several times. They don’t know for what was the Throw Saronite. We reach the 15 stacks. Warlock reach the 4k DPS tank 2.5k DPS and rest lower then 1.1k DPS.

    Then we kill Krick and Ick after just one wipe. I when OOM again, but it was… not that bad. Then we landed in your “tricky trash part”, I rebuff, and where ready to rock! We pull, Mookin with her superlow DPS pull aggro then I pull aggro and we wipe. I release, fly back and rest. We pull and tank loss aggro an we wipe. I release, fly back and rest. We pull and tank loss aggro an we wipe. For a total of 5 wipe, with just the first pack of mob down.

    This was enough I reload UI charge GearScore and Inspect then all. I have a GS of around 5300. Warlock around 4900. Mookin around 4000 (she was in quest blues). DK was around 3600 (he was in quest greens). Tank has 5100 GS but something odd about his stats… I check his Talent three and he was a FURY WARRIOR trying to tank in Fury DPS gear with just a One-Hand Weapon an a Shield!

    When I point this issue to the party the Warlock share my astonishment, but the rest decide that they all have seeing Fury Warrior tanking perfectly fine with a good healer in they back… with the clear assumption that I was not a good healer for being unable to heal trough that kind of damage without pull all the aggro of the raid. And then… they vote to kick me out of the party and the kick succeed. I almost suffer a mental breakdown.

    After that I don’t PUG the random daily for several day, but this weekend I give it another chance and I find an amazing group. We do 9 random heroics in a row and it was sweet like apple pie. So… be strong and have faith in the Ligth.

    • Ophelie Says:


      Dearest sibling of the light, I am shocked and appalled to hear of your unfortunate experience. It angers me as well when dps mascarade as tanks to avoid the queue and the remainder of the party does not understand that in an instance like PoS, this cannot be healed through.

      My heart is soothed to see that your further experiences have been much smoother. In my own experience, most of the random parties I have been apart of have been wonderful. I even wish my friends list could accommodate my companions from other servers, but alas! Nonetheless, it is the odd awful groups that make for the most amusing tales.

      May the Light shine on you, friend,

  8. For The Pie Says:

    I was healing on my shaman and had a pally tank bubble off all the mobs, who promptly ran to the dps. Let’s just say it wasn’t the best run ever. I think said pally left the party soon after that and we got a new tank and dps and moved on.

  9. Anea Says:

    I so loved this post!

  10. […] I suck.  I was pretty sure I did, but now I’m absolutely certain!  Not the awesome kind of “u need mor spirt” faux-suck either, but the real, honest to goodness, I’m-horrible-kind-of-suck.  Everything […]

  11. Goodbar Says:

    The new system has been a lot of fun for the most part, but from one to another you never really whats going to happen.
    My Discipline Priest is nicely geared and I have healed Halls of Reflection but at the same time been unable to get past the first pull in Utgarde.
    Last weekend I had virtually the same trip through the Pit.
    I have been a Guild person for a very long time and have almost never PUGEd before this. It amazes me some of the things I hear while doing this. When a tank has something nasty to say to me I just remember that I Disipline healed HoR.

    • Ophelie Says:

      I have no idea what it’s like to heal HoR as a Disc priest, but if it’s anything like healing it on a pally, then yeah… Sometimes I feel like that instance was invented with the sole purpose of mocking my patience.

      You need some thick skin to pug sometimes! Most of the 5 man groups seem to be pretty decent though. As for the bad groups, I find the funny stories to tell afterward make up for the pain. Just keep your mind on the funny stories.

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